Online Dating For Men

As I sit in front of the computer screen, I stare into the abyss that is online dating.  I am creating a profile in hopes that my fruitless efforts to attract the “right girl” will finally be rectified in cyberspace.  If I can’t do it myself, technology surely can?!

a7c991e9dfb13cdf80db8b708c9ab34bI fill out all the basic stats: ethnicity, height, body type, diet, smoke, drink drugs, religion, sign, education, job, income, offspring, pets, languages.  White, over 6 feet tall, athletic, healthy, good diet, non smoker, social drinker, never do drugs, raised Protestant (leave the space blank), Gemini, graduate degree, work in health and fitness, leave income blank (how fucking tacky is that stat?!), don’t have kids but want them, no pets (likes dogs), speaks English.  And in this moment I realize I look very good… at least on paper.  I might as we be the White Anglo Saxon Protestant (WASP) male poster child.  Seriously, stick a fucking silver spoon in my mouth and take a picture. It doesn’t get more privileged than this.

I add some pics. Suit and tie. Casual.  Athletic photos. Candids.  No selfies.  And absolutely none of those shirtless, in front of the mirror pics. To the best of my knowledge, I am not a douche bag.

Then I write some kind of personal statement at the computer’s request. Some sort of dating/relationship mission statement. I start typing… “I am here to bed women” … That’ll go over well. I hold down the delete key and I give a moment of pause. Then I just start writing. Writing my dating manifesto. And as I commit it to the Internet,  I can’t help but wonder if I am truly speaking from the heart, or if I am simply writing the kind of shit that makes me look a certain way.  And by “certain way,” I obviously mean attractive.


Do I even believe half the shit I just wrote about myself?! A quarter?! If those closest to me read that profile, would they think the same of me, or would they look me dead in the eyes and say, “Dude, you are so fucking full of shit.”

Am I truly capable of making an accurate statement about who I am and what I bring to a relationship?

If you were to actually read my statement (which does actually exist, on multiple dating sites), you would notice one glaring omission…

At no point do I state what I am truly looking for in a relationship and in a woman.  Because I have NO FUCKING CLUE.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I want what my parents have. They have stuck together through the thick and thin, the ups and down. They’ve been married nearly 40 years.  My parents understand the things necessary to make a relationship work. And they understand the word “commitment.”  My parents are a dying bread. In my opinion, once my parents generation passes, the institution of marriage likely will die with them.

In today’s self centered world of instant gratification, self entitlement, and self fulfilling happiness no matter the cost to those you were supposed to have been committed to… coupled with easy forgiveness from society in its acceptance of failed marriages and divorce, it would seem that successful marriages (as the norm) are on the way out.

Get married. Have kids.  Get divorced. Fuck around with other divorcees and some younger women. Welcome to America, have a nice day.

So why am I even trying to find a woman online? Two reasons. 1) I have failed countless times in the real world and 2) behind my ranting and raving, I have hope. I hold out hope that somewhere, somehow, there will be a woman out there who truly complements me, and is truly willing to work. I mean really work. The kind of work necessary to make it work.

But that hope is dimly lit. Very dimly lit. And my rational and cynical side trumps all.  So, I am not waiting with baited breath for “the one” to emerge.  In this moment, I’m online… assuming I likely won’t find Mrs. Right, and instead settling for finding a Ms. Right Now.


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