Jealousy

A2G2186I have been with her for about six months now.  It has a title, and yes, she is my girlfriend.  I claim her and she claims me.  We are committed to one another.

It’s a typical night out.  We are at a bar.  Friends of hers are there, as are friends of mine.  While I am catching up with my buddies, she stands maybe ten feet away, in a circle of girlfriends.  Everyone is having a great time.  Catching up, laughing, drinking, the usual.

And, right on cue, enter that group of guys… you know the group I’m talking about.  The group of swaggering single  dudes with their heads on swivels.  The pack of hunters.  The pride of lions (or jackals depending on the personalities).  The dudes dead set on chatting up women and landing phone numbers… if not more.  Prowlers.  I know exactly what these dudes are up to, but I have no disdain for any of them.  I was single not too long ago, so I know what it is to be out with your close single buddies, looking to meet women.

I notice one guy in particular eyeing my girlfriend.  He musters up the courage, walks right up to her, says hi, and tries to get a conversation going. My girlfriend smiles politely, indulges him with a light conversation, acts like a lady, and then tells the guy to have a good night.

My girlfriend has it all figured out, and my life is easier for it.

You see, as this is all going down, despite some random dude hitting on my girlfriend, I am more focused on what’s going on with my buddies and their lives.  One of my friends notices the guy hitting on my girlfriend and points it out to our group.  My buddies ask me if I am jealous.  I simply respond “nope.”  When pressed as to why not, I offer a two part response.

One:

Simply stated, who wants to be with someone that no one else wants to be with?  When a guy walks up to your girlfriend in a bar, you should be flattered.  Good for that guy… he has great taste.  You should also be secure enough in yourself and your relationship that you don’t see the guy as a threat.  And further still, why shouldn’t your woman be made to feel attractive by someone else?  It’s okay for her to feel attractive and beautiful beyond you.  So, for those reasons, I am okay with this random dude validating the same things I see in my girlfriend… a beautiful, kind, and engaging woman.

Two:

On the opposite side of the equation, if my girlfriend ever attempted to make me jealous, I would simply back myself and let her know that I won’t stand for it.  There are women I have dated who would use jealousy as a tactic.  They would try and make me jealous by flirting with guys at a bar in front of me, mentioning guys randomly in casual conversation, bringing up ex boyfriends and what they “used to do,” etc.  My response was always the same… cut it out.  That kind of nonsense doesn’t fly with me.  When I am in a relationship, I go out of my way to make my girlfriend feel secure.  I couldn’t imagine actively attempting to make a girlfriend jealous or insecure.  What kind of a relationship is that?!

So, as I sit on the bar stool, chatting with my buddies, and this guy hits on my girlfriend not more than ten feet from me, and I am perfectly content.  Not a care in the world.  She is a big girl, and she can handle herself.  So, I don’t need to spring to her rescue and defend her honor.  Now, if the guy said or did anything disrespectful, that would be another story.  I have no trouble addressing disrespect, especially the disrespect of someone I hold dear to me, and even more especially the a male showing disrespect toward a female.  But again, the guy is just hitting on her, trying his best.  I get it.  I’ve been there.  Again, good for that guy… he has great taste.

In the midst of it all going down, my girlfriend glances over and grins a reassuring grin.  I do the same with a nod and a smile.  And that is all that is needed.  She is a big girl, she can handle herself.  And for that reason, I don’t have a care in the world.  Just another great night out with my lady and my friends.

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Insecure Women Are Liabilities

There is no nice way to say it. Insecure women (and I am sure men too, although I’ve never been with a man) are liabilities.  And when I say they are liabilities, I am saying this within images (1)the context of a relationship.  An insecure woman is not an issue if she is not connected to you.  In this case, she is just the girl at the bar trying to grab the attention of every guy she can, by any means possible.  But what happens when that random attention seeker in the bar is actually your girlfriend who is on a night out with the girls… without you?  Liability alert.

When I am single, I am very single.  I’m all about me.  And not in a dickish way, just in a “I don’t need to worry about anyone but me” way.  Yet, when I am in a relationship, I am very different.  I am exceptionally loyal and committed to the woman I am with.  You can imagine how difficult this proves when my significant other decides to show her bat shit crazy cards about 3-6 months in to the relationship (and yes, in my experience 3-6 months in is generally where a girl who is actually crazy, will start showing crazy).  And to someone like me, who doesn’t shy away from the commitments they have made very easily, you can see why when things go sideways 6 months into the relationship that I am now very committed to, I end up willingly enduring a lot of shit before ending things (because again, I try to make good on promises and commitments).  I was once likened to the captain of the Titanic.  If you remember in the movie (yes, the one where Kate Winslet got her kit off and banged that Leo fellow in the back of a steamy car… anyway, like I was saying about me and the Captain) when shit was going down and the boat was sinking, the Captain calmly walked back into the bridge, grabbed the steering wheel, and waited for the icy cold waters to rush in.  That’s me.  And that is why I feel I have a certain insight into insecurity, and the crazy it brings.  Because I have seen it to the bitter end, numerous times.

Insecurity comes in all forms, and for all reasons.  I am not a psychologist, so I feel very inept when helping a woman deal with her abandonment, daddy, popularity, appearance, attention, mean girlfriend issues.  But, I do try. Hard.  And in trying, I have learned over and over that telling/showing/proving to a woman that you “are not that guy” is an absolute impossibility.  You will never overcome the power of her insecurity.  It has nothing to do with you, and therefore you have no power over it.

Jealousy, computer/email/phone/text snooping, clinginess, paranoia, insistence on a detailed report of every single second of a guy’s night out (including who was there, did you talk to any girls, did the other guys talk to any girls, did anyone at the bar talk to any girls), dependence issues, and the ever popular “why are you checking her out?!” statement are all part and parcel to the consistent state of the insecure.  And they are all a drain on the relationship, and consequently on you.

When you strip it all down, in its simplest form, the insecurities a woman brings to the relationship are a liability to the potential success of the relationship you are trying so hard to maintain.  And when you are in a relationship and you feel all of your effort goes into maintaining things, and there is little energy for anything else, where is the hope for growth and progress?  Or better yet, where is the joy, the excitement, the fun?

Now, this isn’t a one way street.  Ladies, I am sure you have stories about Captain Clingy, his constant need to be held, his anger toward that guy who approached you at the bar, and his strong worries about your interest in Tom Brady (“Why do you have to wear his Jersey?!”).  Insecurity a problem for both sexes.  So, assuming you missed the early warning signs, and ended up in a relationship with a significant other who managed to play it cool for a while, but then started showing signs of insecurity, how do you handle it, if any other way than cutting them loose?