Fellas, in this day and age, manscaping is a must.  In the same way you likely don’t like your woman to rock 70s style body hair (although there are some dudes out there into questionable stuff these days), your woman likely doesn’t want you to be Tarzan, King of the Jungle (in your pants).  In the same way you shave your face or trim your beard/mustache, it is en vogue to do the same with your chest, back, happy trail, and nether region.

Now, just how much manscaping is necessary is open for debate.  From trimming to total removal and everywhere in between, men are faced with the dilemma of just how much is right.  In a lot of ways, it comes back to personal style, and feedback from the ladies. But in my experience, I have yet to meet a woman who is completely stoked on the idea of a twig and berries combo that is completely bald.  The nuclear option,  or scorched earth as it is also known, is a dangerous policy for manscaping.  Men are men.  They come with hair.  A pretty good amount of it, actually.  And pretty much everywhere.  It can either be a hinderance, or you can accept it and play into it and take your manly refinement up a notch by managing the hair you’ve got.  There are lots of man specific grooming devices out there, made specifically to meet the needs of any man looking to trade in his Chewbacca status.

My suggestion is, however you decide to manscape, make sure the length of your body hair does not exceed anything that you think would end up in her having to stop, reach into her mouth, and fish out that rogue hair (if you get what I am driving at?!)

And lastly, if for no other reason, a well manscaped member is good for the illusion of at least one extra inch.  Fact.  So, bring your game up a notch, if not for yourself, for the lady that has to deal with your unkempt self!


Condoms Are Emotional Barriers

Condoms are GREAT! They serve as a physical barrier to potential exposure and contraction of sexually transmitted diseases, as well as a physical dam that would prevent any of your fearless swimmers from setting forth on their journey in hopes ultimately diving headlong into the egg.  At the same time, I also humbly suggest that condoms serve as an emotional barrier.  After all, taking that big step with your significant other and deciding not to use condoms represents a very high level of trust.  And trust is inherently bred from an extremely strong emotional connection to your partner.

So, every time a buddy of mine tells me he had a one night stand and decided not to use a condom, my mind is blown.  Seriously?!  You just met this chick, don’t know her from Eve, and you are gonna throw it in there raw dog?!  I understand how my buddy got there (ending up bare back with a woman they barely know) in so far as for guys there is a massive difference in feel between condom or not.  When I ask a dude why he had adownloadcondom-less one-nighter, generally the response is,  “It just feels so good without a condom, bro.”  Yeah, I know it does.  But you know what else feels so good?  Living STD free without a bunch of unplanned little kids running around calling you daddy.

I really don’t trust any woman who comes home with me on night one (I see the irony, and potential hypocrisy in that statement).  But seriously… if a woman comes home with me on night one, you can safely assume it isn’t her first time doing this sort of thing (despite her protesting, “I never do this kind of thing”.  Um, yeah, sure you don’t).  Furthermore, I really don’t trust a woman who comes home with me night one and says she wants to do the dirty without a condom (and yes, that has and does happen).  Yeah, that’s not for me.  And it shouldn’t be for my buddies.

Condoms provide peace of mind.  The only time that that peace of mind can exist sans condom is when you trust the woman you are with.  If I have sex with you without a condom, I am making a statement that says, I trust you with my sexual health and with my family planning.  After all, there is no pill for men, and that fancy form of contraception known as “pulling out” isn’t always fail proof.

This is all to say that I really see a connection between condoms and emotion.  Now, this isn’t to say that couples who continue to use condoms throughout their relationship do not have a strong emotional bond.  For them, it’s just the chosen form of contraception (especially if a woman doesn’t want to be on the pill).  But, this is to say, when a condom is taken out of the equation, a certain emotional barrier is removed along with the physical, and a statement of trust is issued.

For those of you who aren’t like my “horny health gambling let’s just go raw dog on night one with a completely random woman” buddies, do you feel there is an emotional component to the removal of condoms from the equation in your intimate relationships?

The Time-Traveling Sext-Selfie

Little tip from the pros:

Ladies (and dudes bold enough to send the ever-controversial dick pic), when sexting, don’t be lazy.

When sending a naughty pic, please be sure to send a sexy selfie that you took at either that exact moment in time, or send one taken within an acceptable range of time that you have been seeing/dating/sleeping with the recipient.  Let me explain. For those that don’t know, in this day and age, photos are geo tagged and time stamped. So, when the recipient syncs their phone, and the photos upload into iPhoto for example (which can be categorized by date), you best have it all lined up. After all, there’s nothing better than that, “Oooooooh, look at that topless selfie you sent me, taken…. 8 months ago (and we’ve only been seeing each other a month)… In a completely different city (likely Vegas)… Surely intended for some other dude you were banging at the time (most likely that son of a bitch ex-boyfriend you won’t shut up about).”

Nothing softens a dick faster than seeing a pic you realize some other dude enjoyed a lifetime ago.  So, again, either send current selfies to the dude you are currently with, or learn how to turn off the geo tagging and time stamping for your photos.

This goes for the fellas too… But honestly, does anyone truly want pictures of our junk?

Where’s Waldo And Other Fun Online Dating Games

Here are some dos and don’ts… Well, mostly don’ts for the photos you use on your online dating profile.

Ladies: Seven simple suggestions for pictures not to post on your online dating profile:

1) Where’s Waldo – If most or all of your photos are of you in a group of girls, it’s really not working for us dudes. It is very difficult for the (often lazy male) to have to go back and forth through the photos to see which one you are by eliminating the other women that aren’t in every single group shot. Yes, we get that you have friends. We are not interested in your friends, unless that’s what you are offering. But I am pretty sure a five-some would just be logistical nightmare.

2) Blurry – Why the blurry photos? What are you trying to hide? Guys are instantly put off when the leading photo, or any photo for that matter, on a dating profile is blurry. This speaks to so many things (and none of them good).

3) Pictures with an animal that’s not a dog – Lions and tigers and bears and llamas and cheetahs and… the list goes on. Okay, so you have access to exotic animals because you went on some trip to a third world country that puts you in a cage with the animal for photo purposes. Really doesn’t do it for me. Oh, and I say pictures other than with a dog because I can’t stand cats. Terrible little devilish animals.

4) Selfies – For the same reasons you ladies don’t like dudes posting selfies. It smacks of, “what do you do with all your free time? There are no photos of you doing anything other than standing in front of a mirror? And you don’t know anyone else that could take a picture of you? Hm.

5) Hiking – This might as well be the official single girl pastime. Rarely do I ever come across a woman on a dating site who doesn’t include at least one picture of herself hiking (which she also consequently lists as one of her passions or hobbies). Really? Hiking? I mean, it’s better than sitting around eating potato chips on the couch, but there are so many other things to be doing with your time. Is hiking really all that fun?! Is it really hiking you’re doing anyway? Or is it waking up at 10am, hungover on a Sunday, and trudging a few miles up an easy trail to a lookout point with your other single hungover girlfriends?

6) Pics with friends as hot, or hotter than you – If you can’t see the inherent dangers in this one, then let me explain. You are trying to attract potential suitors to you. Thus, it is disadvantageous to post photos of you juxtaposed with a woman or women of equal or greater physical attractiveness. If you post photos with the potential of distracting men from focusing their attention on you, then the likelihood is it will happen. Men are simple. Their thoughts will be something along the lines of, “wait… who is THAT? Does she have a profile on here?” (as he points to the woman next to you).

7) Pics of you with a child/children (that are not yours) – If you are a mom, then by all means, post photos with your children. It’s great to lay those cards on the table early so everyone knows the deal. Some men will date a woman with children. Some will not. It’s not a good idea to confuse the situation by withholding that info from the start. If, on the other hand you are not a mother, pics of you with your nieces and nephews are just plain confusing. Potential suitors will pass you by if they think the children are yours, and they don’t want to date a women with children from another relationship. In the end, I can’t help but think that women sometimes forget their audience on dating websites. You are posting pics to attract potential suitors. You are not posting pics for your female friends, your family, or your coworkers to enjoy. The focus should be on posting pics that attract men to you, and withholding pics that have the potential to confuse men. And trust me when I say, men are easily confused.

Gentlemen: Your goals are very simple. Do not post any pictures that make you look like: 1) a “douche bag,” (EVERY woman’s favorite term) 2) a “mama’s boy” (and dare I say “grandma’s boy”…. Yeah, you know who you are posting pics of you and Grams), 3) a “baby daddy” (if you AREN’T actually the father of the child), or 4) a “sugar daddy” (you in front of your BMW, or with bottles of Dom, wads of cash, or in front of some private jet that likely isn’t yours but you scored a once in a lifetime trip because of some rich family friend comes off as, for lack of a better term, tacky. No, you are not a baller. Sorry bro). The point is, if you think a shirtless picture of you next to grandma in her sweater, in front of a private jet, just getting out of a limo, and popping a bottle of Dom is what is necessary to attract a woman…. You clearly don’t back yourself. News flash…. In this day and age where women are self sufficient, career minded equals to men… They care less about your dollars and much more about whether you are going to treat them well. Crazy, I know, right?! A woman wants to be treated like a lady? She wants to be respected, and be with a man she sees as, well, a MAN?! Holy hell, this shit is groundbreaking, I know. One last thing. Under no circumstances, as a self respecting male, do you take a Selfie. Shirtless or otherwise, absolutely no selfies. Are there any other etiquette suggestions for the ladies and/or gentlemen that I may have overlooked?

Emojis In Technology Courtship

Trains, planes, automobiles, and an entire host of other inanimate objects, animals, and winky faces. Despite having real trouble figuring out where I might use some of the more obscure emojis, I use the living fuck out of certain select group, when speaking to a certain select audience (read this as, girls I want to bed/girls I am currently bedding /girls I want to bed again). The three below are my go-tos. Why? Because these little yellow facial expression enable and empower me to say whatever the fuck I want, no matter how suggestive, dirty, blunt, or just downright offensive it is… and to get away with it. It’s like a little yellow button that says “oh yeah, I said that… but I didn’t say that… but I really did say that messed up, dirty, filthy thing… But it’s okay because I winked.” I branch out from time to time, but with just these three favorite winky faces I can say, or not say, whatever I want… And make it acceptable.  Here is how I use them.

e405 1)       for anything said that is lightly/playfully suggestive in manner.



2)       I can’t believe you/I just said that!




download (1)3)      yes, I said that downright filthy thing/I’m horny/that nude photo you just sexted me is amazing (they never really are amazing, it’s a bathroom mirror after all, but the key to getting more is to set a tone that encourages more… The whole, you attract more bees with honey thing)

One piece of advice. Always let the female take the lead. Do not wink until winked upon. In fact, do not wink for as long as you possibly can. Only start winking when you are completely sure an emoji is the thing necessary to push things on to the next level. Let’s be honest… You are a full grown man and you are using little yellow cartoon faced symbols to convey your words, your thoughts, your intentions. No matter what stage in your texting back and forth that you employ an emoji, it will always give off and air of juvenile/childlike demeanor. If you haven’t yet established with your female texting partner just how much of a grown man you truly are before employing an emoji, then be ready to be viewed as juvenile or childish, possibly creepy. If, on the other hand, you have achieved your man card in her eyes, the emoji instead becomes a playful gesture. Know the timing, know the difference. Don’t lead with the emoji. Play the emoji card at the right time.

#Hashtags In Technology Courtship

Yes, hashtags can have a place in texts between you and your female counterpart. How, you might ask? #wellletmetellyou. Hashtags are like the vanity license plates of the interwebs. Yes, in rare circumstances, they make sense to the general population and might even be relatable. Yet, for the most part, they only mean something to the author and maybe a select few others. So, what better place to use hashtags then in a sexually charged conversation with a woman? When it comes to hashtags, it’s a war of escalation. Start slowly with hashtags like #hot, #booty, #sexy, or #fit. Then work on putting hashtags together, like #hotbooty or #sexybooty. Eventually, after playing the game back and forth (if she is any fun at all, she will pick up on what you are doing and join in)… escalate to longer hashtags, until you arrive at something like the following:

#iwanttopressupagainstyourhotsexycurvybooty. It’s like German. Just put a whole bunch of words together to get your idea across. And if you have worked up your back and forth hashtags to a point that leads to one like the previous example, I’d say you are pretty much set for a great time.  Hashtags. Useless on Facebook, somewhat useless on Twitter and Instagram, and yet very very useful in playful sexting. Who would have thought?!

Gender Equality? Or Not? Part Deux

I am not the type of man who needs or wants to be dominant over a woman.  I don’t carry the kind of male insecurities that lead to seeking out a meek or insecure woman that I could elicit some control over.  For me, meek is boring.  In my dating life, and especially when I commit to a relationship, I want someone who will be a partner, not a passenger.  Someone who can call me out on my bullshit and make me take a hard look at myself when necessary, and someone who is not afraid to keep me pointed in the right direction.  I don’t need a bully, a mommy, a nanny, or a nag… I need a strong woman.

I was raised by a strong Irish Catholic mother, who took no shit from her sons, and did an amazing job of raising us (if I say so myself).  She was firm but fair.  I am not a momma’s boy, but I would be so lucky to find a woman of that strength and fortitude in my dating life.

I know they must still exist, but where have all the strong women of my generation gone?  Where do they hang out?

Online Dating For Men

As I sit in front of the computer screen, I stare into the abyss that is online dating.  I am creating a profile in hopes that my fruitless efforts to attract the “right girl” will finally be rectified in cyberspace.  If I can’t do it myself, technology surely can?!

a7c991e9dfb13cdf80db8b708c9ab34bI fill out all the basic stats: ethnicity, height, body type, diet, smoke, drink drugs, religion, sign, education, job, income, offspring, pets, languages.  White, over 6 feet tall, athletic, healthy, good diet, non smoker, social drinker, never do drugs, raised Protestant (leave the space blank), Gemini, graduate degree, work in health and fitness, leave income blank (how fucking tacky is that stat?!), don’t have kids but want them, no pets (likes dogs), speaks English.  And in this moment I realize I look very good… at least on paper.  I might as we be the White Anglo Saxon Protestant (WASP) male poster child.  Seriously, stick a fucking silver spoon in my mouth and take a picture. It doesn’t get more privileged than this.

I add some pics. Suit and tie. Casual.  Athletic photos. Candids.  No selfies.  And absolutely none of those shirtless, in front of the mirror pics. To the best of my knowledge, I am not a douche bag.

Then I write some kind of personal statement at the computer’s request. Some sort of dating/relationship mission statement. I start typing… “I am here to bed women” … That’ll go over well. I hold down the delete key and I give a moment of pause. Then I just start writing. Writing my dating manifesto. And as I commit it to the Internet,  I can’t help but wonder if I am truly speaking from the heart, or if I am simply writing the kind of shit that makes me look a certain way.  And by “certain way,” I obviously mean attractive.


Do I even believe half the shit I just wrote about myself?! A quarter?! If those closest to me read that profile, would they think the same of me, or would they look me dead in the eyes and say, “Dude, you are so fucking full of shit.”

Am I truly capable of making an accurate statement about who I am and what I bring to a relationship?

If you were to actually read my statement (which does actually exist, on multiple dating sites), you would notice one glaring omission…

At no point do I state what I am truly looking for in a relationship and in a woman.  Because I have NO FUCKING CLUE.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I want what my parents have. They have stuck together through the thick and thin, the ups and down. They’ve been married nearly 40 years.  My parents understand the things necessary to make a relationship work. And they understand the word “commitment.”  My parents are a dying bread. In my opinion, once my parents generation passes, the institution of marriage likely will die with them.

In today’s self centered world of instant gratification, self entitlement, and self fulfilling happiness no matter the cost to those you were supposed to have been committed to… coupled with easy forgiveness from society in its acceptance of failed marriages and divorce, it would seem that successful marriages (as the norm) are on the way out.

Get married. Have kids.  Get divorced. Fuck around with other divorcees and some younger women. Welcome to America, have a nice day.

So why am I even trying to find a woman online? Two reasons. 1) I have failed countless times in the real world and 2) behind my ranting and raving, I have hope. I hold out hope that somewhere, somehow, there will be a woman out there who truly complements me, and is truly willing to work. I mean really work. The kind of work necessary to make it work.

But that hope is dimly lit. Very dimly lit. And my rational and cynical side trumps all.  So, I am not waiting with baited breath for “the one” to emerge.  In this moment, I’m online… assuming I likely won’t find Mrs. Right, and instead settling for finding a Ms. Right Now.